It has been a little over five years since my child asked me to change the contact information in my phone to Mac from her birth name. (and more recently - Caelum). At the time it seemed a strange request upon coming out to me that she was about to transition from a woman to a man, but it was an important symbolic gesture in his mind. We were laying down on my bed, both staring up at the ceiling when he delivered his news. He had called me earlier that day to say he needed to talk to me. The room was dimly lit and somehow our prone position, looking skyward was easier than say, a face to face conversation across a bowl of Cheerios on a sunny Saturday morning. We held hands.
My intuition had been telling me for a few years that this might have been coming, but until the words land on your heart, it all seems kind of blurry and unsure. Prior to this announcement I had already learned and accepted other less concerning proclamations. “Mom, I’m lesbian,” followed a year or so later with “Mom, I’m pansexual.” Being the typical heterosexual, cisgender, well past middle-age mom I was, and am, I had to ask what the latter meant, but have since been on a rapid learning curve about everything LBGTQ+ and consider myself far more educated than the average woman my age now. Short of having a rainbow tattooed on my forehead, I am a fierce advocate for queer folks worldwide. Sometimes I can even make jokes about it with my better half. As in, “Oh what would you know, you boring old cisgender fart?” Five years ago, I didn’t even know we were cisgender. I recently told my 82 year old mother she was cisgender. That was fun. Followed by, “See mom, you learn something new everyday.” It was shortly after I finally told her that her granddaughter was now her grandson. It went far better than I imagined it would, although it may take her awhile to get the pronouns right. I assured her it will get easier over time. Caelum and I had decided to hold off on telling her until his appearance became more obviously masculine and, hopefully, after my father’s dementia became so severe that he wouldn’t notice. We wouldn’t have to wait too long. It wasn’t a shame thing as much as we both truly believed he would not be able to handle the news. That, and the fact that neither of us could bear the possible rejection or negative reaction we might get. His old school attitudes and beliefs were already legendary and his potential verbal barbs upon hearing this family news, would have broken both our hearts into a million tiny pieces. I always knew my mother would be gracious and kind, but we worried if we told her, she would feel compelled to tell her husband of 60 plus years as wives often do. So we held off and it worked. He wouldn’t know if his grandchild was a boy or a girl or a cat these days, so we can rest easy. We’ll never have to hear mean or nasty words spewing from his lips. In fact, now we barely understand any words that he mumbles. For us, it’s almost like there is a bright side to Alzheimers. I have been seriously contemplating writing a book about my side of Caelum’s transgender journey, because, contrary to “supportive parent positivity”, there is one, and I feel voiceless. As much as he has done the courageous and difficult part (and continues on that path), I too, have had my share of ups and downs and I don’t see many honest accounts of the parents of transgender children in print. There seems to be two versions. The fully supportive and loving parents or the completely non-supportive parents who disown their own children. In many ways, as a supportive parent, it has meant I have had to buck up and take the pain. Yes, I said pain. The transgender journey is a family journey in so many ways and the path to full acceptance is littered with voices and opinions and tears. It is as though supportive parents haven’t got a soft place to fall outside of support groups and often these are unavailable in rural areas and small communities. I’m pretty sure that if you surveyed any parent and asked them if they were happy and joyful when their child told them they were planning to change genders, the answer would be no. One thing all parents have in common though, is their inherent desire for their children to be happy. Although changing genders may indeed lead to their children being happier, generally speaking, the road to becoming the new gender isn’t exactly paved in yellow bricks. There are more twists and turns and bumps in that road than even Dorothy and her clicking red heels would want to navigate. Most parents wouldn’t wish this upon their kid, even if it’s the one they like the least. In my case, having an only child meant I had no fall back kid. If this kid is bullied or depressed or shunned there wouldn’t even be a helpful sibling who had his back ( which BTW, seems to be common…and oh so wonderful). After 5 years, I have had time to research and evaluate and come to terms with the impact this has had and continues to have on Caelum, our family and friends and what it truly means to love unconditionally. I used to wonder if unconditional love was actually possible. Turns out, I have discovered, it is.
18 Comments
Peggy
8/29/2022 02:05:15 pm
Well said, Deb. It’s a journey for everyone and one that likely changes course a few times.
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Deb
8/29/2022 06:01:44 pm
Much like life in general. Thanks Peg.
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Cuz
8/29/2022 05:51:37 pm
Although I may have my own idea as to what unconditional love means it sure hasn’t been tested to the degree that yours has been. I look forward to reading that book. Hugs Cuz.
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Deb
8/29/2022 06:04:43 pm
Thanks Cuz…curve balls are my specialty! 🤣
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Donna
8/29/2022 07:48:06 pm
Wisdom. Understanding. Love. Brilliant.
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Deb
8/30/2022 08:37:22 am
Thanks Donna. There has been massive forward movement in the last 5 yrs since he came out and it is getting easier all the time but there is still much to do to support the trans community.
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Patti
8/31/2022 03:48:57 pm
Thank you (and Caelum) for sharing your journey, and the personal reflection for me which came with that. I also found the tone of your writing different here than in your other blog posts. Maybe it’s your ‘mom voice’ that influences your writing style here. Interesting.
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Deb
8/31/2022 08:00:38 pm
Appreciate your comment Patti...and I find it interesting that you detected a different tone in my writing here. Hmmmm. Now I have something to reflect upon.
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Carla Sandrin
9/2/2022 09:06:36 am
Beautifully written, Deb. And yes, your tone is different here, but fitting for this piece. However, you still include dots of humour, which brings welcome levity to a very serious subject.
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Deb
9/3/2022 06:19:55 am
Thank you Carla...I always try to keep a sense of humour about the trials and tribulations we face in life. Certainly when it isn't life threatening!
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Diane
9/10/2022 05:18:54 pm
A very beautifully articulated story of love and angst in a difficult journey. Write that book!!
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Elle
9/10/2022 05:20:04 pm
Beautiful account. I would love to read that journey in print when you write it
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Sue
9/10/2022 05:21:15 pm
Brilliantly written! Love is love and ain’t it grand?!? Thank you for sharing and thank you so much bringing this cisgender along for the ride! An amazing learning curve and the greatest lesson of all- love is
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Heather
9/10/2022 05:22:35 pm
Deb..you have always been one of the most authentic, loving and open people I have ever known. You go where you need to be physically and figuratively. Caelum is so lucky to have you and you are so lucky to have him. It’s a journey for you both and if I’ve learned anything about you over the last 40 yrs it’s that nothing can stop you from living your best life..I know you’ll do everything in your power to help Caelum live his best life too. Proud to call you my friend.
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Stacey
9/10/2022 05:24:20 pm
Love is love. What makes me happy is your daughter felt confident and loved enough to become who HE feels is he is. This is not an easy feat for so many but with an amazing mom he is now living his best life.
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Trudy
9/10/2022 05:25:58 pm
Hope you write that book!
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Leigh
9/10/2022 05:27:26 pm
Beautifully written.
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Brenda
9/10/2022 05:28:32 pm
Well said Deb!
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DEBunked.I see nature as a metaphor for life. Please join me on this journey down the garden path as I explore life through story - a shovel in one hand and a camera in the other. Archives
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